the confines of your own prison are becoming insufferable.
behind the walls of your own countenance your screaming, aching, and longing for the most minute amount of change. funny how life always seem to revolve around the minutiae of existence. it's even more funny how your greatest fears revolve just outside your reach in a galactic system that exemplifies your impending demise with each and every orbit the factes of your own pitiful self make around you. over and over again. around and around they go, taunting you into believing you can grab them-alter them. but you can't. they exist in infinity and absolutely.
what strikes the strongest chord of fear is that you're back here again....you're back to feeling absolutely lost....completely unsure....like a total failure...and alienated from everyone, even from yourself.
perhaps thats the cruel process of coming into your own. maybe that's the inescapable quotient of dividing your life into so many attempts to meet endless expectations.
whatever it is...you're here again.
back then you had a core group of friends. back then you had aspirations and goals that extended farther than the weight on the scale and securing a job that provides the highest monetary return. back then you could shirk the requirements of "the man" and just be. back then you had something to look forward to. back then you had the cover of immaturity to act a certain way and do certain things. back then you had drugs. back then you had an escape plan.
you have none of that now.
now you just sit and countdown the days until you can exile yourself from this wasteland. you place all of your hope on the glorious idea that in two years you're out of here and you get to start over like you always do.
escape is never the safest path, but its the only one you know.
and you know, all to well, that location changes are a temporary fix to a permanent problem. a change of scenery never equates to a change in the seemingly static nature of melancholy and onus, but there comes a point when anything is a better alternative than facing actuality.
you can't take breaks from reality, but you can try your fucking hardest to out-run it...to keep it behind you.
just keep on moving. keep doing what you think will keep your life running smoothly. relax, sit back and watch each and every parameter of your happiness tumble down slowly. have a beer. eventually things will get better. eventually you'll be free.
eventually everything will culminate and slap you across your daydream induced smiling face. slap you right back into weary submission. something will always remind you..something will always trigger you down an anamnesis path laden with the discards of your in-surround-sound and high definition fantasy you respectfully call your life.
your attempts are always applaudable, and they always do just a little better at keeping pesky certainty off your trail. you may even convince yourself that you've successfully escaped the total eclipse of your reveries--that you are home free.
your attempts always prove to be laughable to the powers that be.
you may be tired of being you, but the universe hasn't even started with you yet. more pitfalls and demise than you ever could possibly imagine lay in store for you, because that's what growing up is, isn't it? losing the solace of the opulent notion which so enigmatically states that "things always happen for a reason," and jumping head first into striving to merely get by, and knowing full well that things do, in fact, happen for a reason...
but that reason is routinely against anything that could even be remotely categorized as your desires, and that the resulting occurence leaves you with an acerbic taste in your mouth and another salty trail of disenchantment carved into the fleshy-crimson of your cheek.
they say you're open...that you're introspective...that you exhibit an immense knowledge of who you are
perhaps.
but the source of your each and every "open" and "introspective" word stems from the inescapable fact that you're sinking....slowly.
again.
its nothing new to you, except this time it seems lucidly more fatal. this time it seems resoundingly clear that you are absolutely stuck and you can't stop moving long enough to perceptibly rise above the current stratum you temporarily call home.
you move, you react, you make ammends, you plot....you sink further.
if you continue down this path you know the end result will be a return to the desolate and hopeless mess of six years ago who yearned for a way out--anyway out--and crawled further and further into themself. thankfully an arm was extended via hominal angels, glimmering affairs, chimerical outlets, and mind altering pharmaceuticals to help you break the surface and escape.
now you have nothing. now you have no one. now you're older and the edifice of independence forever prefaced as required for a successful future have been absorbed, codified, and implemented...and in all your aptitude you jumped through the hurdles and erected a tower of independence that sparkled your assent into adulthood.
you are independent. you don't need anyone. and you have no one, and you can't let anyone in close enough to be needed.
you just need a way out.
no matter. the end result is you're sinking and this time you can't do it alone...but a quick glance around reveals that no one's even within yelling distance to give you a hand.
you're completely alone.
you want someone to help you. you want someone to guide you back onto a better path. you want someone to tell you what to do. you can't do this on your own, you know that. and as your head permeates the very surface of your doleful abjection, its obvious that your a lost cause. even still, you use your last bit of fight to divulge your last wish...which really is the only wish you've had all along.
" help. please."
i don't know how long i can hold my heart in two
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
the tao of fucked
The Tao of Fucked: A user's guide to personality traits that
mean absolutely jack shit in the dating world
(even though they logically should matter).
mean absolutely jack shit in the dating world
(even though they logically should matter).
1. you're a cool chick means nothing more than "welcome to the friend category." yup..you'd think the fact you joke around and can hold your own in a battle of pervertedness or wits would be a factor in your favor, but....to that i say: nay nay! the fact anything makes you more likeable is antithetical to the goal of getting a guy by the balls and concurrently getting him to like you. stop liking video games, sports, non-chick flik movies...put down the car magazine, and start listening to music played only on kissfm..one must be as stereotypical and girly as possible to appeal to the opposite sex--tailor your interest's diamterically to his, accordingly.
2. big tits just mean the guy will stare at you, but only from the chest to neck area. i think this one is rather self explanatory, no? you got 'em, you flaunt 'em...he stares at them, and never realizes you have a face. he adores them, he loves them, he comments frequently and dotes on them. he goes on and on about how he loves a woman with meat on her bones, and then goes out with the girl who makes an ironing board look well endowed. makes sense, no?
3. you're amenable. that means only one thing--you're amenable...he still does whatever he wants. why be logical and forgiving?! you should give him a verbal ass raping for not calling you every hour on the hour, or every night at the same time...better yet, just fucking castrate him for going out with his friends, rather than going out with you--you get an extra ten points for doing it in front of his friends. while it seems fairly straightforward that relationships are built on compromise, it's just not that way. you need to hold him on a leash so short that an on-looking dog is going "dayum!" when it sees the length. fuck the game, he's going to a tupperware party with you..and who the fuck cares if his team made it to the finals? the finals are on semi-annual sale day at the gap...and guess who's coming with you? yup, that's right ladies...demand, demand, demand, and never let him do what he wants if it opposes what you want, that way he'll really eat out of the palm of your hand and want to be with you.
4. we've all heard the saying nice guys finish last...well, guess what? nice girls get no ass. being called "nice" just means you got shoved in the aforementioned friend category and perish the thought he stick his dick where he verbally shits. don't be nice. don't think about him. don't go out of your way to make it known you like him. ignore him when he goes on and on about how wonderful you are and uses phrases like "my girl," or "we." don't listen to him talk about shit you don't want to hear--like his past sexual experiences, or how hot the girl at the gym was who asked for his number. tell him to go fuck himself as frequently as possible, and coinciding with number three...don't give in...don't even think of compromising. you want what you want, and if you don't get it, well? that just means you make his life a living hell until he gives in. be a complete and utter bitch...the more bitchy, the more apt he is to fall madly and helplessly in love with you and the more likely you are to get some dick. antithetical as it is, it's surefire.
5. "you're independent" is code for "you don't need me and that hurts my frail ego." yes m'am..don't listen to them. they may sit there and go on-and-on about how much they want a woman who can take care of herself and who doesn't need someone to take care of her. they may buttress that with the notion that they want someone who isn't emotionally needy. but? when they find her? oh yes, those traits go from being the intended object of his desire to being the equivalent of absolute zero on the personable scale. you have ovaries! you shouldn't be able to fix things, build things, balance your check book, do your finances, kill bugs, unclog your toilet/sink, walk your dog at night..and by no mean should you elicit the help of third parties (especially ones you'd have to pay) to do anything for yourself. you should just sit there like a helpless leper and wait for him to do it..all the while making sure he knows that if he so much as takes a wrong step you have a razor blade at your wrist to act accordingly...then, his ego will be happy as a fucking clam..and he'll like you!
6. if he says you're funny, pack your shit up and move on. everyone loves someone who can make them laugh, but in the dating world that isn't going to get him to love you....nope, it just means you make him laugh and your services will be called upon whenever he wants a good laugh. at all other times you will be pretty much ignored. basically, you are his monkey..and when he says "amuse me!" you put on a stunning performance or face the fact he may just cast you aside and never talk to you again. you need to be as black and white and non-humerous as possible...and make sure to get offended by everything he says that teeters on the sarcastic side. guys can't resist a girl who takes themself so seriously that any comment they make equates to them being the most ungrateful asshole in the world. guys just love apologizing for everything, including their existence...and that love gives you the keys to pussy whip away.
7. mention of anything regarding your intelligence in a non-derogatory manner and/or in an almost flattering manner, means whatever hope you had of something flourishing now has a yellow tag cutely attached to its toe. they say they want a smart girl, but in reality what they want is someone who is as dumb as a fucking door nail. why? that's simple--smart girls don't do everything they're told to do. you won't sit there stroking his ego to keep him happy. nope, while you're off trying to achieve something with your life and getting an education, he's sitting there feeling neglected because *gasp* you aren't catering to him at all times. if you have any semblance of intelligence you really only have two options: dumb yourself way the fuck down, keep your intelligence on the d/l , and twirl your hair frequently; or, you can go the uber bitch route and use your intelligence to manipulate the shit out of him. either way, he'll absolutely adore you, especially if you take the manipulative route. whichever avenue you chose remember: if you know more than him about something, don't ever let him now...let him revel in the fact he is the almighty, all-knowing male. it should be noted that by no means should you ever show that you can out-wit him. when he starts poking fun at you, do not flex your "oh yea?!" muscle and one-up him. rather, turn into the girl mentioned above who can't take a joke...start crying..make him feel like shit for joking about you like that, and then manipulate him to do what you want. that right there is a trip threat that will get him to be waiting at the end of the aisle for you.
8. you respect him and trust him...for shame! do not count on him. don't confuse this for a shade of independence, it's not. we've already established that guys don't like independent women. think of this as more like "fuck him over at all costs," rather than a reliance issue. if you have plans don't assume they're set in stone just because he bought tickets to the play you've wanted to see...rather, put a deadline for him to finalize those plans with you and make sure he has no clue when that deadline is. if he misses the deadline, then immediately make other plans, and when he mentions the plans you two had, or, better yet, actually shows up at the agreed-upon time, tell him he didn't finalize in time and that you made alternate plans. that way he's stuck with absolutely nothing to do while you're out having a gay old time. heaven forbid he go out and have fun...and heaven forbid he think that making plans is as easy as simply asking. he's got to work for your time! if he goes out with you and doesn't pick up the phone, don't sit back and assume it's just loud at the bar...no! he's got to be screwing someone else! and jesus christ, if he looks at another chick while he's with you, then just take off your shoe and stab him in the nutsack right then and there, because god forbid he be human. he's not human, he's your pet that loves you more and more the shittier you treat him.
9. if the word "comfortable" followed by "around you" are employed..well, then you've been discarded. yes, he likes the fact you're available for him when he needs you and that he can talk about everything under the sun with you, because you don't judge him...you listen and try to help him with his problems, no matter how petty they are, but dont' get confused. though in reality this points to "she's worthwhile and cares about you," in the dating world this just means you're convenient for him..and that you'll do until someone comes along who will ignore him, his needs, and scream at him over his problems..rather than try to help him with them. you are a place holder, until the woman who will treat him worse than the gum that ruined her favorite stilleto heels shows up. accordingly, treat him like that from the get go...and he'll just lavish you.
10. he goes on and on about how great you are and how he can't believe you're single, which coincidently means he's going on and on about why you'll have no problem finding someone else. don't sit there and blush. don't equate such a discussion with him really liking you, and actually seeing how wonderful you are. nope, he's going through the required hoops so that he can walk away knowing full well that he built you up so well that you really think you can find someone with little effort. he planted the seed of "i'm a catch" in your head, all the while tossing you right back into the fishy little sea so he can continue searching. you're proper fucked if you get this line...but take heed of everything he lists as "winning" qualities, and immediatly change all of them. only then will you have any shot of finding someone, because how you are as is, isn't worth much...you're wonderful, worthwhile, and not a psychotic bitch..but in the dating world that just means you're a waste of time. modify accordingly.
16.8.06
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006
letting someone in
i'm drunk....it's 6am...i can't sleep. why? because i've come to a realization that's bugging the fucking shit out of me.
i've realized that i don't know how to let someone "in" anymore...and it's mostly because....i don't know when....
when is it okay to let go?
when is it okay to just let yourself buy into the daydream that reality teeters gently on, and dive head first into the bubble of sonorously genuine intention that keeps trying to knock down your walls?
this is something i've struggled with for the past two and a half years, but haven't really had to battle because, lucky me!, the cull of truly putting myself on the line was always stolen away from me in a fiery blaze of "you're not good enough" or "i don't want you anymore."...or, at the very least, it was met with actions that resounded the overwhelming disregard for me they, in fact, had.
i wont lie. each moment in which my choice was peculated still weighs on me: how could i have been so foolish? how could i have actually contemplated investing into the farce of whatever my convoluted silliness conjured?
i won't even bother trying to say that my experiences haven't left me with a sour taste in my mouth, and a general distaste for even getting to a point where i'd have to contemplate letting go.
and to be totally honest, i'm happy i haven't had to make the decision. i'm glad i've never had to delve farther than sheer circumspect pondering of the pro's and cons, because i am one scared little bitch when it comes to matters of the heart. i, for the most part, avoid the emotional. i avoid the beyond-platonic relationship. i refuse to let myself get carried away and see more than what is there. i refuse to let myself see what is there in a positive light. it is what it is, and that's it. that's the mentality i approach things with.
but, i'm not as cold and calculated as i wish i was, or hold myself out to be.
that's the problem.
i've kind of surfed through my post-asshole era on a precious dichotomy of unemotional i-don't-need-anyone bliss and the fervent cries of the fact i do want someone. and thus far, i've been able to consolidate the two with my feeble efforts at dating. occasionally someone slips under the proverbial radar...but, even then, i think i let them in to periodically stop the ardent screams of my heart...and i only let them in because i know full well that "possibility" is just not an option with them.
but it's getting harder and harder to find some kind of a modicum ideal between the two divergent sides i'm constantly ping ponging back and forth between. one side is merely my own implemented defense mechanism, while the other side is an understatement of the whole bastard fact that....well? i'm a fucking girl, and any girl that says they don't want to just lose themselves in the hollywood prescribed love-story is lying to you. we all want some guy to waltz in, shake our every ounce of being, live happily ever after, and never look back.
but that's the thing. i don't know when to peer outside my fortified walls of acrimony, and actually let optimistm rear its very forgotten head. i don't know why i'm so distrustful and, overall, second guessing of every guys intentions..and why i enter every potentially good thing with the overall attitude that i'm going to get proper fucked in the end. most of those supposed potentials i just avoid altogether because it's just that much easier, in my mind, to go it alone than to go it agonizing over every single thing.
i've moved so many times in my life that i don't want to find a place to call home...i want to find my home in someone, but instead of looking at things with relatively clear eyes, i don't allow myself to even explore the slight chance of possibility because it's just so much easier to run away than sit around and wait for the glass to fall out from below me.
so here i sit, teetering back and forth between the warm fuzzies of someone potentially having a geniune interest in me, and chastising myself for letting my mind drift away from the "you will get proper fucked" creed i've held to pretty steadfastly during the past two years.
and i can't be myself with guys who express more than a platonic interest (read: come to me and beat me over the head with the notion that they're interested. otherwise i'm totally oblivious to it) because of it. the minute i find myself becoming attracted to them, and more enamored with the idea of having someone in my life, i clam up. i become seemingly standoffish (very un-me), which in turn lends to the appearance of unenthusiasm..which is totally not the case. also? it really doesn't help that i'm horrible at these kinds of things: i constantly worry that i'm being annoying or impinging on their time/inviting myself along to things, or that i say and do all the wrong things, and come off the wrong way..blah blah blah.....so, i just remain there in every lackluster sense of the word.
i know it all revolves around chemistry, but, to an extent, a lot of it has to do with a conscious choice...and i wish there was some way to lease into the idyllic reverie rather than go full speed ahead into total ownership, but....
there isn't. there can't be. it's a decision that encompasses all or nothing. so?
how do you know when it's okay to let go and become the uber disgustingly sweet girl that goes out of her way to do the sickeningly cute "i like you" shit? (oh yes, you best believe it. i am the queen of that shit. seriously.)
when is it okay to just take a step beyond "just going with it", and putting some kind of expectation and faith into something?
how do you know when to open yourself up to the possibility of heartache and complete vulnerability for nothing more than the simulacrum of mere possibility?
i've realized that i don't know how to let someone "in" anymore...and it's mostly because....i don't know when....
when is it okay to let go?
when is it okay to just let yourself buy into the daydream that reality teeters gently on, and dive head first into the bubble of sonorously genuine intention that keeps trying to knock down your walls?
this is something i've struggled with for the past two and a half years, but haven't really had to battle because, lucky me!, the cull of truly putting myself on the line was always stolen away from me in a fiery blaze of "you're not good enough" or "i don't want you anymore."...or, at the very least, it was met with actions that resounded the overwhelming disregard for me they, in fact, had.
i wont lie. each moment in which my choice was peculated still weighs on me: how could i have been so foolish? how could i have actually contemplated investing into the farce of whatever my convoluted silliness conjured?
i won't even bother trying to say that my experiences haven't left me with a sour taste in my mouth, and a general distaste for even getting to a point where i'd have to contemplate letting go.
and to be totally honest, i'm happy i haven't had to make the decision. i'm glad i've never had to delve farther than sheer circumspect pondering of the pro's and cons, because i am one scared little bitch when it comes to matters of the heart. i, for the most part, avoid the emotional. i avoid the beyond-platonic relationship. i refuse to let myself get carried away and see more than what is there. i refuse to let myself see what is there in a positive light. it is what it is, and that's it. that's the mentality i approach things with.
but, i'm not as cold and calculated as i wish i was, or hold myself out to be.
that's the problem.
i've kind of surfed through my post-asshole era on a precious dichotomy of unemotional i-don't-need-anyone bliss and the fervent cries of the fact i do want someone. and thus far, i've been able to consolidate the two with my feeble efforts at dating. occasionally someone slips under the proverbial radar...but, even then, i think i let them in to periodically stop the ardent screams of my heart...and i only let them in because i know full well that "possibility" is just not an option with them.
but it's getting harder and harder to find some kind of a modicum ideal between the two divergent sides i'm constantly ping ponging back and forth between. one side is merely my own implemented defense mechanism, while the other side is an understatement of the whole bastard fact that....well? i'm a fucking girl, and any girl that says they don't want to just lose themselves in the hollywood prescribed love-story is lying to you. we all want some guy to waltz in, shake our every ounce of being, live happily ever after, and never look back.
but that's the thing. i don't know when to peer outside my fortified walls of acrimony, and actually let optimistm rear its very forgotten head. i don't know why i'm so distrustful and, overall, second guessing of every guys intentions..and why i enter every potentially good thing with the overall attitude that i'm going to get proper fucked in the end. most of those supposed potentials i just avoid altogether because it's just that much easier, in my mind, to go it alone than to go it agonizing over every single thing.
i've moved so many times in my life that i don't want to find a place to call home...i want to find my home in someone, but instead of looking at things with relatively clear eyes, i don't allow myself to even explore the slight chance of possibility because it's just so much easier to run away than sit around and wait for the glass to fall out from below me.
so here i sit, teetering back and forth between the warm fuzzies of someone potentially having a geniune interest in me, and chastising myself for letting my mind drift away from the "you will get proper fucked" creed i've held to pretty steadfastly during the past two years.
and i can't be myself with guys who express more than a platonic interest (read: come to me and beat me over the head with the notion that they're interested. otherwise i'm totally oblivious to it) because of it. the minute i find myself becoming attracted to them, and more enamored with the idea of having someone in my life, i clam up. i become seemingly standoffish (very un-me), which in turn lends to the appearance of unenthusiasm..which is totally not the case. also? it really doesn't help that i'm horrible at these kinds of things: i constantly worry that i'm being annoying or impinging on their time/inviting myself along to things, or that i say and do all the wrong things, and come off the wrong way..blah blah blah.....so, i just remain there in every lackluster sense of the word.
i know it all revolves around chemistry, but, to an extent, a lot of it has to do with a conscious choice...and i wish there was some way to lease into the idyllic reverie rather than go full speed ahead into total ownership, but....
there isn't. there can't be. it's a decision that encompasses all or nothing. so?
how do you know when it's okay to let go and become the uber disgustingly sweet girl that goes out of her way to do the sickeningly cute "i like you" shit? (oh yes, you best believe it. i am the queen of that shit. seriously.)
when is it okay to just take a step beyond "just going with it", and putting some kind of expectation and faith into something?
how do you know when to open yourself up to the possibility of heartache and complete vulnerability for nothing more than the simulacrum of mere possibility?
15.8.06 | Permalink |
| Permalink |
Friday, August 11, 2006
fuck it i'm done
fuck it. i'm done.
i'm absolutely done taking peoples advice, heeding their words, giving their experiences the benefit of my doubt...
i'm fuckin tired of listening to what people say, taking it to heart and telling my personal grains of salt regarding the matter to fuck off...and of putting myself out there, giving people chances...because you know what?
everytime i go some extra distance, everytime i coax myself out of my emotional shell and just inch out enough to maybe see some potential for something...even if it's as bare minimum as friendship...and i start to convince myself that giving people a shot without my callous, cynical, and overly negative(and now i'm starting to see they are fuckin uber cool) shades on distorting the view isn't the end-all be-all of my independence and emotional safety...i get absolutely fucked.
proper fucked.
so fuck this notion of giving people a chance, because in the end no one really ever gives me a chance. no one looks past the fact i have a vagina and big knockers, and realizes that for all intents and puroses i'm actually a pretty good girl. no one looks past my comments which drip with disdain and the fact i'm supposedly a challenge, to see there's more to me than the amusement and good come-back factor. no one bothers to notice i'm someone worth having around...not even in a relationship sense..just in general...because i go out of my way to be peoples everything...and for as much as i hate it, it's who i am and i've come to except that as a great character flaw and asset.
i am absolutely done vying for chances, drinking at the mirage of possibility..fooling myself into the reverie and escapade that is human relationships...because at the end of the day, all i get is shit.
so, i'm wondering...why bother?
i start with nothing....put effort in..and end up with nothing. why not just take out that pesky mother fucker of a middle man and call it even. i have two great guys in my life who love me and trea tme like a queen, i have people i care for immensely and know i can share anything with ..i have parents that, though i'm afraid to let them see certain things about me, will always be there for me and have no real (read: ones i can't meet) stipulations to their hearts, i have a brother who is a stunning example of what a man should be and of what unadulterated acceptance and love are.....i have a blogging community that i adore immensely...
so, even though i find myself back at square one--the square of obdurate glee that my ex boyfriend placed me on and i've been harrowing to leap off of for the past two years--i can't help but ti look at the past four months of this year..and beyond that, recalling all the wonderful experiences with feculent people i've met and just realize that my listless remains aren't all that bad.
and above all else? i can't do it anymore. i can't keep going through the proverbial grind and being knocked down..because i'm to the point where i just don't fucking want to get up anymore. i just don't want to let myself think in the long term of anything..and i actually started hyperventilating (i'm talking fast shallow breathing, light headed, and i started to shake uncontrollably as the conversation progressed) when i talked to jake about the prospect of a relationship with some fictitious guy he created for a scenario.
when i say i'll take someone...i mean i'll take them as is...i take them for what they are and who they are from the get go. i leave whatever expectations i have at the threshold, and walk in with clear eyes and an open heart. i take the good with the bad, and i don't sugar coat my like or dislike of that person...and i certainly don't test the water, so to speak, or give the impression that there is more there than there really is.... or worse, let them run off with their impression which is totally antithetical to whatever plan i have (uhuh..yea...i'll refrain from going into how many fuckin times i've been played in the past four months, but it's starting to get to me)..
so, my conclusion is that it's about fucking time i demand the same in return before i go out on the bullshit limb. i need to stop being who i was before i committed emotional suicide, and return to the girl said suicide left me as..and take of the rose colored glasses i'm trying so hard to look through, and just go back to being the brutal callous girl that gave no one a chance unless they somehow proved they deserived it..
because....
i can't let myself keep falling from grace.....if i get anymore cynical i'll just be some shell of an indivudual...instead of just improvising and projecting it like i intend to...
i'm absolutely done taking peoples advice, heeding their words, giving their experiences the benefit of my doubt...
i'm fuckin tired of listening to what people say, taking it to heart and telling my personal grains of salt regarding the matter to fuck off...and of putting myself out there, giving people chances...because you know what?
everytime i go some extra distance, everytime i coax myself out of my emotional shell and just inch out enough to maybe see some potential for something...even if it's as bare minimum as friendship...and i start to convince myself that giving people a shot without my callous, cynical, and overly negative(and now i'm starting to see they are fuckin uber cool) shades on distorting the view isn't the end-all be-all of my independence and emotional safety...i get absolutely fucked.
proper fucked.
so fuck this notion of giving people a chance, because in the end no one really ever gives me a chance. no one looks past the fact i have a vagina and big knockers, and realizes that for all intents and puroses i'm actually a pretty good girl. no one looks past my comments which drip with disdain and the fact i'm supposedly a challenge, to see there's more to me than the amusement and good come-back factor. no one bothers to notice i'm someone worth having around...not even in a relationship sense..just in general...because i go out of my way to be peoples everything...and for as much as i hate it, it's who i am and i've come to except that as a great character flaw and asset.
i am absolutely done vying for chances, drinking at the mirage of possibility..fooling myself into the reverie and escapade that is human relationships...because at the end of the day, all i get is shit.
so, i'm wondering...why bother?
i start with nothing....put effort in..and end up with nothing. why not just take out that pesky mother fucker of a middle man and call it even. i have two great guys in my life who love me and trea tme like a queen, i have people i care for immensely and know i can share anything with ..i have parents that, though i'm afraid to let them see certain things about me, will always be there for me and have no real (read: ones i can't meet) stipulations to their hearts, i have a brother who is a stunning example of what a man should be and of what unadulterated acceptance and love are.....i have a blogging community that i adore immensely...
so, even though i find myself back at square one--the square of obdurate glee that my ex boyfriend placed me on and i've been harrowing to leap off of for the past two years--i can't help but ti look at the past four months of this year..and beyond that, recalling all the wonderful experiences with feculent people i've met and just realize that my listless remains aren't all that bad.
and above all else? i can't do it anymore. i can't keep going through the proverbial grind and being knocked down..because i'm to the point where i just don't fucking want to get up anymore. i just don't want to let myself think in the long term of anything..and i actually started hyperventilating (i'm talking fast shallow breathing, light headed, and i started to shake uncontrollably as the conversation progressed) when i talked to jake about the prospect of a relationship with some fictitious guy he created for a scenario.
when i say i'll take someone...i mean i'll take them as is...i take them for what they are and who they are from the get go. i leave whatever expectations i have at the threshold, and walk in with clear eyes and an open heart. i take the good with the bad, and i don't sugar coat my like or dislike of that person...and i certainly don't test the water, so to speak, or give the impression that there is more there than there really is.... or worse, let them run off with their impression which is totally antithetical to whatever plan i have (uhuh..yea...i'll refrain from going into how many fuckin times i've been played in the past four months, but it's starting to get to me)..
so, my conclusion is that it's about fucking time i demand the same in return before i go out on the bullshit limb. i need to stop being who i was before i committed emotional suicide, and return to the girl said suicide left me as..and take of the rose colored glasses i'm trying so hard to look through, and just go back to being the brutal callous girl that gave no one a chance unless they somehow proved they deserived it..
because....
i can't let myself keep falling from grace.....if i get anymore cynical i'll just be some shell of an indivudual...instead of just improvising and projecting it like i intend to...
11.8.06 | Permalink |
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