(function() { (function(){function b(g){this.t={};this.tick=function(h,m,f){var n=f!=void 0?f:(new Date).getTime();this.t[h]=[n,m];if(f==void 0)try{window.console.timeStamp("CSI/"+h)}catch(q){}};this.getStartTickTime=function(){return this.t.start[0]};this.tick("start",null,g)}var a;if(window.performance)var e=(a=window.performance.timing)&&a.responseStart;var p=e>0?new b(e):new b;window.jstiming={Timer:b,load:p};if(a){var c=a.navigationStart;c>0&&e>=c&&(window.jstiming.srt=e-c)}if(a){var d=window.jstiming.load; c>0&&e>=c&&(d.tick("_wtsrt",void 0,c),d.tick("wtsrt_","_wtsrt",e),d.tick("tbsd_","wtsrt_"))}try{a=null,window.chrome&&window.chrome.csi&&(a=Math.floor(window.chrome.csi().pageT),d&&c>0&&(d.tick("_tbnd",void 0,window.chrome.csi().startE),d.tick("tbnd_","_tbnd",c))),a==null&&window.gtbExternal&&(a=window.gtbExternal.pageT()),a==null&&window.external&&(a=window.external.pageT,d&&c>0&&(d.tick("_tbnd",void 0,window.external.startE),d.tick("tbnd_","_tbnd",c))),a&&(window.jstiming.pt=a)}catch(g){}})();window.tickAboveFold=function(b){var a=0;if(b.offsetParent){do a+=b.offsetTop;while(b=b.offsetParent)}b=a;b<=750&&window.jstiming.load.tick("aft")};var k=!1;function l(){k||(k=!0,window.jstiming.load.tick("firstScrollTime"))}window.addEventListener?window.addEventListener("scroll",l,!1):window.attachEvent("onscroll",l); })();
Friday, August 11, 2006
fuck it i'm done
fuck it. i'm done.

i'm absolutely done taking peoples advice, heeding their words, giving their experiences the benefit of my doubt...

i'm fuckin tired of listening to what people say, taking it to heart and telling my personal grains of salt regarding the matter to fuck off...and of putting myself out there, giving people chances...because you know what?

everytime i go some extra distance, everytime i coax myself out of my emotional shell and just inch out enough to maybe see some potential for something...even if it's as bare minimum as friendship...and i start to convince myself that giving people a shot without my callous, cynical, and overly negative(and now i'm starting to see they are fuckin uber cool) shades on distorting the view isn't the end-all be-all of my independence and emotional safety...i get absolutely fucked.

proper fucked.

so fuck this notion of giving people a chance, because in the end no one really ever gives me a chance. no one looks past the fact i have a vagina and big knockers, and realizes that for all intents and puroses i'm actually a pretty good girl. no one looks past my comments which drip with disdain and the fact i'm supposedly a challenge, to see there's more to me than the amusement and good come-back factor. no one bothers to notice i'm someone worth having around...not even in a relationship sense..just in general...because i go out of my way to be peoples everything...and for as much as i hate it, it's who i am and i've come to except that as a great character flaw and asset.

i am absolutely done vying for chances, drinking at the mirage of possibility..fooling myself into the reverie and escapade that is human relationships...because at the end of the day, all i get is shit.

so, i'm wondering...why bother?

i start with nothing....put effort in..and end up with nothing. why not just take out that pesky mother fucker of a middle man and call it even. i have two great guys in my life who love me and trea tme like a queen, i have people i care for immensely and know i can share anything with ..i have parents that, though i'm afraid to let them see certain things about me, will always be there for me and have no real (read: ones i can't meet) stipulations to their hearts, i have a brother who is a stunning example of what a man should be and of what unadulterated acceptance and love are.....i have a blogging community that i adore immensely...

so, even though i find myself back at square one--the square of obdurate glee that my ex boyfriend placed me on and i've been harrowing to leap off of for the past two years--i can't help but ti look at the past four months of this year..and beyond that, recalling all the wonderful experiences with feculent people i've met and just realize that my listless remains aren't all that bad.

and above all else? i can't do it anymore. i can't keep going through the proverbial grind and being knocked down..because i'm to the point where i just don't fucking want to get up anymore. i just don't want to let myself think in the long term of anything..and i actually started hyperventilating (i'm talking fast shallow breathing, light headed, and i started to shake uncontrollably as the conversation progressed) when i talked to jake about the prospect of a relationship with some fictitious guy he created for a scenario.

when i say i'll take someone...i mean i'll take them as is...i take them for what they are and who they are from the get go. i leave whatever expectations i have at the threshold, and walk in with clear eyes and an open heart. i take the good with the bad, and i don't sugar coat my like or dislike of that person...and i certainly don't test the water, so to speak, or give the impression that there is more there than there really is.... or worse, let them run off with their impression which is totally antithetical to whatever plan i have (uhuh..yea...i'll refrain from going into how many fuckin times i've been played in the past four months, but it's starting to get to me)..

so, my conclusion is that it's about fucking time i demand the same in return before i go out on the bullshit limb. i need to stop being who i was before i committed emotional suicide, and return to the girl said suicide left me as..and take of the rose colored glasses i'm trying so hard to look through, and just go back to being the brutal callous girl that gave no one a chance unless they somehow proved they deserived it..

because....

i can't let myself keep falling from grace.....if i get anymore cynical i'll just be some shell of an indivudual...instead of just improvising and projecting it like i intend to...
 
11.8.06 | Permalink |