(function() { (function(){function b(g){this.t={};this.tick=function(h,m,f){var n=f!=void 0?f:(new Date).getTime();this.t[h]=[n,m];if(f==void 0)try{window.console.timeStamp("CSI/"+h)}catch(q){}};this.getStartTickTime=function(){return this.t.start[0]};this.tick("start",null,g)}var a;if(window.performance)var e=(a=window.performance.timing)&&a.responseStart;var p=e>0?new b(e):new b;window.jstiming={Timer:b,load:p};if(a){var c=a.navigationStart;c>0&&e>=c&&(window.jstiming.srt=e-c)}if(a){var d=window.jstiming.load; c>0&&e>=c&&(d.tick("_wtsrt",void 0,c),d.tick("wtsrt_","_wtsrt",e),d.tick("tbsd_","wtsrt_"))}try{a=null,window.chrome&&window.chrome.csi&&(a=Math.floor(window.chrome.csi().pageT),d&&c>0&&(d.tick("_tbnd",void 0,window.chrome.csi().startE),d.tick("tbnd_","_tbnd",c))),a==null&&window.gtbExternal&&(a=window.gtbExternal.pageT()),a==null&&window.external&&(a=window.external.pageT,d&&c>0&&(d.tick("_tbnd",void 0,window.external.startE),d.tick("tbnd_","_tbnd",c))),a&&(window.jstiming.pt=a)}catch(g){}})();window.tickAboveFold=function(b){var a=0;if(b.offsetParent){do a+=b.offsetTop;while(b=b.offsetParent)}b=a;b<=750&&window.jstiming.load.tick("aft")};var k=!1;function l(){k||(k=!0,window.jstiming.load.tick("firstScrollTime"))}window.addEventListener?window.addEventListener("scroll",l,!1):window.attachEvent("onscroll",l); })();
Monday, July 17, 2006
resignation from bitch status
to whom it may concern:

greetings and salutations from a bitter cynical female who wants nothing more than to have her cake, all the while never opening up one bit or being put in a position that compromised her, made her overstep whatever bounds she created, or have to take a single leap of faith.

basically, howdy from the girl who wants to live in the formulaic hollywood romance film where girl meets guy, guy falls head over heels for girl, and guy does anything and everything in his power to get girl...all the while, girl galivantes around and puts up an amass of obstacles, which he overcomes deliciously, effortlessly, and with little bitching or moaning....aka me, e.

i'm writing today to effectuate my resignation from the post of "unpenetrable bitch," with a slight amount of chagrin, an upheavel of my own malice, and a tear for the derisive persona i so effortlessly embodied when it came to all matters of the fleshy pink heart.

why?

for one, i realize that reality isn't as black and white as i would love it to be. i, myself, exist in shades of gray...and it's unfair and detrimental to think that anything or anyone else would exist otherwise. things aren't always what they seem, and things don't always have some hidden meaning. people always don't have some hidden agenda, or self serving purpose in their dealings with me.

even if most, to this point, have...

in the end, what's a girl to do when all of her erected white castles and shimmering reveries are carelessly knocked down and shattered by the very people that helped erect them, as well as herself, and everything has crumbled into a bleeding mess of fear, cynicism, and a sinking disbelief in anything worthwhile in the romance department ever happening?

there are two avenues: the boulverad of the broken soul who aches for someone to place a band-aid gently on her wounds, or the alley of dismissing even the most promising possibility and existing in singular.

for too long i've enclosed myself in an alleyway emblazoned with echoes of the past and daubed with the re-occuring scenes of my own heart break and let downs. i've let the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and the feelings that characterized the "then" translate into my outlook on the "now." i've let myself get stuck on the stepping stones of learning, rather than progressing and adding these experiences to the erudition of life.

arguably, i did so with just cause...but it's time i grew up, i fear. i'm a loner, yes...but i'm no fool. a hopeless, chimerical, silly little girl with matrimony and children pitter pattering up her list of goals and wants can only live so long under the auspices of a tattered and torn past.

and that is why i must resign. that is why i can no longer fill the position i've dutifully served for the past three years. that is why i am taking the tattered pieces of my past and refurbishing them into the pathway i need to take to allow my broken soul to find that someone who will dress my wounds.

or at least give someone the chance to try and dress them.

maybe i'm jumping too far into things, and maybe i should simply place a toe in first to check the water before i swan dive right in, but i'm tired of my own self-restraint, and i'm exhausted with constantly trying to keep myself at a distance and avidly avoiding opening up, and giving in.

i'm going to take this leap of faith.

why?

because i enjoy being around him; because its strange how comfortable i am around him; because he embodies crucial aspects of what i'm looking for; because i'm one hundred percent me around him and find it easy to find myself saying more than what i would usually allow; because in the week i've known him i've felt more protected than i ever have...

because i want to.

it's time i let my heart tell my head to fuck off.......not completely, but..well, maybe give it a bit more clout in these things.

regards,
-e

to the powers that be:

if it's wrong let him realize his mistake before i delve too far...let him come to his senses about me and let him see me for what i really am, or let him come to terms with the reality that much better exists.

please don't let me fuck this up, or please let it be over soon...before i let myself fall too far...before i voice my palpitating joys and fluttering aspirations that i just don't want to ignore.

i may be audacious enough to take this leap of faith, but i am, afterall, new to all this. go easy on me.

best wishes
-e
 
17.7.06 | Permalink |