all the things guys have done that would be total deal breakers.
.....were i not a total pussy, of course.....
.....were i not a total pussy, of course.....
1. i hate talking on the phone. one point for me. i text. one more point for me. when i text you, i expect a response. not right away...but sometime before 5pm the next day. one guy wouldn't ever text me back the minute the "convo" shifted to more than his bitching about work and me being a sounding board...until a good day later. even then? the text went back to him bitching about work. not a good idea, boys.
2. alright..i have a dog. it's my dog, and i fully understand that all the responsibilities of having a dog are on me, which includes taking her out. i don't expect a guy to come over and take my dog out, i especially don't expect a guy to roll out of bed and take her out; however, if we're coming back from being out, and i grab the dogs leash....don't take your shoes off, plop on the couch, and watch me walk right on out. if you're already over and i announce i have to take the dog out..don't just look at me, blink, and continue watching tv or whatever. go with me! fifteen minutes outside isn't going to kill you, and ya know what? those kind of little things make all the fucking difference to girls. for serious.
3. it's a vagina..not an inverted fucked up game of whack-a-mole. i seriously had one guy, i shit you not, who was like diving for ovum or something. i walked around the next day like a retard because i swear my uterus was bruised. it's called finger-banging or fucking...not "lets see how far in we can get this up there before she cringes and screams"...some of you men have giant penises-and to you, i say..be gentle. some of you boys have big hands, but..we've all had a finger up in there--whether it be someone elses or your own--it's not hard to feel where shit goes from "penis belongs here" to "this point is restricted to authorized personnel only."
4. in addendum to number 3...if i'm saying "ow"..don't ask me "oh, does that hurt?" while you continue to do whatever motion it was that caused me to go "ow" in the first fucking place. i didn't say "ow" by accident, you asshole. "ow" and "ohhh" don't sound alike AT ALL given the greatly divergent voice infelctions between the two. we all make mistakes..it's fine...but don't keep doing it, and/or do it again the next time. do you want me to scrape my teeth against your cock, you say "ow!" and for me to continue, or for me to do it the next time? didn't think so.
5. in association with numbers 3 and 4, if you know you cum buckets worth of shit...don't jizz all over my stomach/tits or whatever..and just leave me there why you go clean off. hello?! i'm covered in your shit..i can't exactly move anywhere, now can i? well, unless i want that nastiness to run all down and get on the carpet or whatever. you cleaning off the end of your dick can wait...get me a goddamn towel you selfish asstwit.
6. don't act completely disinterested. i know i say a lot of shit you could give two shits about...i know when i go off on shoes, start bitching about school, or relive how pissed of i was when some asshole cut me off...yea..you really don't care. but, do you think i care when you start talking about guns? sports? (okay, i dig the sport talk..but shh), or how much you drank last night and yet woke up with no hangover? nope, not particularly...but, i listen, i pay attention, i ask questions..i respond to things you say...i even remember and recall shit from past experiences. why? because the semblance of giving a shit is a mighty powerful thing. i know you don't care, i know you aren't really paying much attention...but if you pretend to? oh. e is happy that you care enough to pretend to give a shit about her!
7. in addendum to 6....ask me something about myself outside of "what's your name?". i had one guy who never asked me a thing about myself. not one thing. we dated for about 4 months, and at the end of it all he didn't even know where i moved to cleveland from, when my birthday was, or why it was i spoke russian. his excuse? "i don't like to pry." yea..that's bullshit. you don't give enough of a shit to pry would be a more fitting reason. we chicks like it when you act like you give a shit, just like you lap it up when we pay attention to you and ask you questions about everything, down to the tiniest detals, about you. pry, assholes. pry.
8. don't say one thing to us and then turn around and say something completely different to your friends. i had one guy use the word "dating" whenever he referred to whatever it was we were doing while he and i talked about things..but, when his friends were around? he would deny, deny, deny..and say "we're just hanging out, there's nothing there," even when i was sitting right next to him listening. talk about warm fuzzies all up on my shit when i'd get to witness that fairly frequently.
9. going along with number 8, don't say shit you may not totally mean. this guy i went out with a few times referred to me as "my girl"..and introduced me to people when we went out as his girl/"the girl i'm dating". that kind of shit makes it really hard to do anything but kind of accept the term for what it is-a delineation of "this could be going somewhere." well, it wasn't and it didn't..and the fact he kind of planted that little seed in my head just kind of made it all the more shitty on my end. so, pay a decent amount of attention to what you say...we certainly do.
10. consistency, consitency, consistency. that's pretty much what this whole thing is about. regardless, consistent amounts of attention are really appreciated. nothing makes me more livid than when a guy goes from constantly communicating with me...to barely talking to me at all. one guy texted with me non stop for an entire day....and the next two day's didn't respond to a thing...and then all of a sudden? tons of texting again. yea...not a good idea. if you don't want the chick to go spinning into this downward spiral of "well, guess he found someone better or just realized i suck"..coming to grips with it, realizing your not worth the headache, and brushing you off in a matter of three hours....don't do that. it's really easy for us to assume shit, and it's even easier for us to assume shit is going against us and arm up with some kind of defense..which is usually dropping your ass in some way. just saying, not a good avenue to go.
11. this might be a personal one, but i've read in a few places that when a guy touches your face while he kisses you, it means he really, for lack of a better word, likes you. long before i read it, that action was just something that made me a bit more at ease with where things were going. that said: keep your fucking hands off my face unless you want me to think that you do, in fact, like me...maybe guys got hip to all the girl reading out there and figured this out (kind of like they figured out the syncopated breathing makes us subconciously feel attracted to someone and fall harder, and now i notice guys trying to match my breathing all the time), but it's not fair. one guy i dated did it every single fucking time...so it sucked that much worse when he was like "yea, i don't think i could ever really date you. you're too nice"..because my subconcious was all over the face touching and assumed there was a high probability that something would come out of things..no matter how short term.
12. don't make it about you. i'm human, i get in shitty moods..it happens..and you know it does because you get into shitty moods where you don't want to deal with anyone too. don't read too much into it. i had one guy tell me that i was being really abrasive and curt with him and that he was sorry if he did anything to put me in that mood, which was a fantastic way to mak it about him. when i explained i was just stressed because of finals and a lack of sleep..he magically turned it around and made it about him, again!...and pretty much yelled that he didn't like the tone of voice i was using with him and how i was just being a total bitch to him for no reason. yea...way to totally fuck the fact i'm freaking out over here, and make it about you. you don't want me reading into your every fucking action and mood and coming to you with a "do you hate me?! do you not want to be with me? do you want to sleep with other women?"..so don't approach my moods with the same thing...or worse...saying it's unfounded and that i've harmed you in some way that really doesn't exist.
13. say it with me: the little things. they mean the world to we ovary blessed folk. if you think it's petty and unimportant..odds are you should do it. one guy never bothered to wish me luck on my finals..and as small and insignificant as that is, it pissed me the fuck off..and hurt me to some degree. you count on the people around you for support, so, naturally, if you're dating someone you should, without question, offer some form of support, right? a text saying "g'luck" really isn't over-extending yourself..and, as retarded as it is, it would have meant a lot to me. the bottom line: do the tiny shit, and we'll be a lot more forgiving when you utterly fuck up the big shit.
14. don't be a fucking pussy. you don't like being strung along, and guess what? neither do we. nothing is worse than living in a world of "we" for any amount of time, only to have it ripped away for god knows what reason. be fucking honest...if you just want us for something casual..say so. if you just want sex..i'll bring the condoms. we're big girls, we (well most of us) can handle it, and are much more apt to go along with things and be less of a pain in your ass if you just level with us from the get go.
15. if you say you're going to do something, do it. this, in particular, applies to plans you've made and the telephone. nothing..NOTHING..is worse than sitting by the phone awaiting a call that just ain't coming. you have no intention of calling, so don't fucking say you will. i'm not going to get pissed if you forgo that part of your sentence, but i will get pissed if you mention it and don't make good on it. and plans? jesus christ, don't make semi finite plans with me....and then not come through on them. that's retarded, obnoxious, and it means i wasted a night sitting at home...all dolled up with no where to go. if you want to hang out with your guys? say so. if you don't want to see me? fuckin say so! don't leave me hanging with fantastic eye-makeup, and with, what i thought, was a reason to wear my latest pair of shoes.
16. i'm well aware i'm not the most gorgeous of girls. i'm also well aware that insanely pretty people are around, and that girls with fantastic bodies are lurking everywhere....so, fine..i don't give a shit if you look at them..in fact, i'll probably join in. most of the time, i'm the one pointing them out to you; however, when you start talking about things you like in a chick, remember that i'm sitting there. i had one guy go on and on about how much he loved girls with ghetto asses, who were about 5'2'', had super short hair, were really thin, and were on the flatter side. uhh, hello? i have no ass, i'm 5'8'', i have long hair...i got meat on my bones, and i have a giant rack. not exactly what i want to hear, ya know? yea, sure, you play it off like you don't give a shit that you have nothing of what i traditionally look for in a man, but i know you'd be more than irritated if i made it a point to detail how you aren't even close to what i traditionally date. i know i'm not the encompassment of everything you may want, odds are i'm nothing you were looking for, but at least let me labor under the false pretense of being at least somewhat what you want.
17. if the topic of past relationships comes up, and i actually go more into things than "yea, they were all assholes", do not....i repeat...do not go on and on about how you would never do that to someone, how you're always upfront about everything..blah di fuckin da. don't. just 'cause you think you never have, doesn't mean you never actually have, or that you never will. it's just a bad idea. go ahead and be sympathetic, but don't try to make yourself look better in light of what they did, and don't try to make yourelf out to be an angel. we've all fucked up. say "what an asshole," and leave it at that.
18. don't use me as an outlet for your past, your issues, and overall relationship retardedness. i've been through some fucked up shit, and i've been cheated on more than enough times for me to think it's funny now..but do you want me constantly thinking that you're fucking some other woman when you don't pick up your phone? nope. it's unfair. it's unfair to hold you to the precedent of my past shit, accordingly, it's unfair of you to do it to me. i had one guy tell me that, because of a past relationship, where his girlfriend cheated on him with one of her guys friends, he didn't really like the fact i had as many male friends as i do, or that i talked to them as often as i do. that's fair.. assume i'm the same as the rest, don't give me any form of a chance to prove otherwise, and expect me to pretty much alter my entire life because you have some issue. get over it, you fucktard.
19. one word: compromise. even in the casual shit, you gotta give a little. i know i'm extremely laid back and don't really care about the details of what's going on, what we're doing or where we're going, but sometimes i'm just not in the mood. a few times it's happened that i had plans with this guy to go out, but in light of me being tired/sick/broke/just not wanting to go out.. i'd suggest he come over and we just watch movies. yea, no. never happened. he'd always opt to go out with his friends instead. i don't care that you're going out with your friends, i care that we already had plans and because they weren't what you wanted you just opt out completely. if you want to do what you want to do and not have some other person making suggestions from the side-line, or you just don't want to take anyone elses needs into consideration..don't make plans with someone. just tell them what you're doing and say they can join if they want....that way it's all about you. have it your way, and enjoy being lonely.
20. this isn't so much a deal breaker, because things are pretty much decided, but just as a matter of procedure...don't fucking ignore me and hope i'll go away. yea, odds are i will just fade away..and yea, that's your goal, but it's fucking shitty to do that. aside from the fact that i can't even fathom how someone can live with themselves knowing they gave the emotional equivalent of decapitation to someone--one minute you're all about it, the next *poof* you're gone--i get to sit there and literally agonize over what the fuck happened, which just leads to me assuming i fucked up and desperately trying to figure out how i did fuck it up. either way, it makes you look like a total douchebag. so man-up, stop being a total pussy and just say "ya know what? i realized i just don't like you" because not only will i appreciate and respect its connotations, but in the long run it has got to be easier to just flat out say it than walking around knowing you totally left someone hanging with no semblance of a safety net.
