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Saturday, December 23, 2006
useless
to try again and feel lonely...
or do nothing...
either way all i get to feel is lonely...
and i'm not quite sure what i should do....
i know the way but i falter...
i'm so fucking scared of my own patience...
as i die to maintain something that i don't even want to begin with...
i just refuse to admit that this right is so very wrong...
torn apart, this heart is absolutely fucking useless....
it's helpless and paralyzed in the wake of all my speculated endings waiting to begin..
it's unfixable to say the least.

so here we go again...
once again i find myself in this same old fucking place...
i run, i hide...
or i'm just told i'm not worth it in so many fewer words and more overt gestures...
and as i sit feeling like the fool, it's obvious i just can't leave this place...
i just stay wrapped miserably in this shit i've depicted...
refusing the reality that i just really want someone to take me by the hand....
it's safe to say i'm over because i just can't keep trying to explain...
why when it all falls down and i get a chance to wake up from this dream of possibility....
the idea of just lying around and taking it kills me...
while you're out there being held by someone else who isn't me...

but it doesn't matter...
for as much as i want to empty my head, let go of all that's been told...
to kill it all so i can reinvent...
so i can believe...
again...
for as much as i want someone to say that whatever i say it's alright, whatever i do it's alright...
that silence is not the way if heaven is on our merry way...
i'd rather just sit here and bleed because there's nothing left of me...
i'm a stranger in my own self imposed town...
i'm lost in my own sea of decline
and i hate myself so much that i can't let myself out of this hell.
 
23.12.06 | Permalink |
Sunday, December 10, 2006
When
Do you even see me when I look at you?
Do you even know who I am?
Glistening track marks are hidden away
And behind these hoops of expectation
I'm going to absolute shit behind these emotionless eyes
When you're gone it's easy to play the part
When you stand before me
Oogle and forget to adore me
When your harshness runs like daggers from your mouth
I have nowhere to run
I have nowhere to hide
I have nothing more than
You
Your critique
My failure
All peering upon me with chagrin
I'm the personification of disappointment
Reflected in eyes that cast shadows down upon me
Blame never falls far from the suicidal
You can only grab so much before it's simply plain to see
One of these things is not like the other
One of these things will never belong
I'm that thing that is nothing like others
I'm that thing that cannot ever belong
Begging for forgiveness
Trying to adapt
Trying to play along
None of it the answer, I know
Acceptance with minimal slander
That's the answer
The solution I need
Nothing is ever freely given, I know
So please
Just know
While you selfishly paramter your own existence
While you purport to have finally opened your eyes
While you allege to know and understand what is important
It's all a codification of the hurt
It's a declaration that what's important will never be me
O-well
That me has long since expired
 
10.12.06 | Permalink |
Sunday, December 03, 2006
lost
Hollow footsteps, cloaked by night
Of sadness known through tortured sight;
The willow weeps for solitude
As Owl moans a gloomy interlude.
- Reflection in the glossy lake
"If I should die before I wake..."

A tear shatters the silent face
That seeks solace in this deserted place.
Wind whispers through the willow's leaves,
And Owl, perched high, silently grieves.
The glow from city lights afar
Swallow whole a falling star.
A wish upon the trembling lips
For peace. A raven gently sips
The water near his honored guest,
But soon flies to his hidden nest.
Weary beneath the flowing cloak,
The traveler rests against an oak
And fights the lure of heavenly sleep
-"I pray the Lord my soul to keep..."

Forever lost, each journey taken
Plagues the mind; the nights awaken
Troubled visions, thoughts of yesterdays,
That seem like beacons - lives away.
Random comforts cannot ease this soul,
For knowledge takes its weary toll
'Pon one who suffers with each breath,
Who slept once in peace, then awoke in death.

 
3.12.06 | Permalink |
please make it all better. please make it go away...
On discordant winds the broken strings play
The cacophonous quartet continues deafly
The world turns within my fragile hands
And with each rotation, another fragment is lost
Pools of blood form below,
Drowning the unknowing within its life,
Racing from its source to static being,
Unable to fill all the holes within me.

I turn to the melting heavens
Within the blue, the transparent scales shimmer
Under the setting gaze
The vaporous fish swim slowly,
Aaiting for the evening star.
The lunar moth passes view
Beginning anew its constant flight
The shadows before my gaze disappear
Into hungry emptiness.
The throne beside me, vacant
Rhythmically illuminates my washed sight.
I fall from my seat, yearning to end
Blindly lying upon the ground below me
The void within protests

Was it merely my spoken words that stole
My life from me?

With out its guiding meter, life slowly stumbles
From moment to moment
Without reason or intent.
Under the pain of the unforgettable,
I return to my reigning seat and grab the lie before me
Smashing it into a million pieces adding up to seven.
And what is time, when seconds feel as days, and minutes an eternity?
Years are unfathomable, let alone desired
But ruling reflections must end when dreams are devoured
By their own arrogant intent.

And now I wait for the calling of eternity,
Slowly working upon the painting before me
Perhaps not as true as the mirror's work
The image before me, more natural
Embodies the regrets of how I should have been.
I sit here waiting, reflecting the work before me
Hoping the moment my life gently returns
Upon times soundless breath,
Our kingdom will always be.

 
3.12.06 | Permalink |